Divide Loyalty: Feeling Like An Outsider in Your Home
I visit Australia once or twice a year, always enjoying the fresh air, the endless catch-ups and the totally drinkable tap water. But on my last trip I just couldn't shake the feeling of not fitting in. Instead of being grounded and happy, I felt displaced and ill at ease.
The difference in me became obvious the minute I arrived as I stealthily crept through two red lights on my way home from the airport and parked illegally at an ATM. The very same night I disgraced myself at a restaurant by leaving a large pile of fish bones on the tablecloth next to my plate before realizing no one else was doing it.
But there were less obvious differences too. People asked endless questions about my life in China that I found irritating and uninformed, like "Do undercover police follow you when you go out?" and "Can you buy dog meat at the supermarket?"
Even worse were the blanket statements uttered by those who had never set foot in China. "They make death row prisoners pay for their own bullets, you know" and "They are the world's worst polluters." I'm treated to diatribes about environmental destruction, infanticide and how Chinese parents are stealing school places from perfectly worthy Australian children by sending their kids to study overseas. It's relentless.
Then I wonder—why do I feel the need to defend China at all? Why don't I just feed their misinformed opinions by telling them it's a filthy country, saved only by cheap DVDs and dumplings?
But I don't. I say how complicated it is. How the longer I live there the less I understand the place, but the less it matters. How the country is diverse, fascinating and intriguing. I defend China because I feel conflicted. My loyalties are divided and I'm defending China the same way I defend Australia when people complain about the price of everything and the bigotry.
It doesn't end until I leave the country. At the airport, the customs official says with a sly wink, "You must have a lot of patience, living in China." It's a bit offensive, but it also holds a kernel of truth.
On the plane heading back to Shanghai, I get to thinking about all the positive things China has taught me. Patience. Perseverance. Persistence. Acceptance of ambiguity. Not bad for a filthy country. China is changing me, but not all for the worse.
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